A heartbreaking moment...

There will be no pictures for this post.

Of late, Jared has been rather trying yet at the same time, somewhat sensible. And because of this weird phase that he is going through, it puts a toll on his caregivers as well. Namely, me, GG and my mum.

We were leaving my mum's place for my home just now and Jared didn't want us to go. I opened the bedroom door and came out, Natalie followed suit and Jared was in the room still but wanted to close the door. Upon seeing that Jared wanted to close the door, Natalie retaliated and pushed it back. She was naturally not strong enough and Jared insisted on pushing the door and shutting it. So there they were, creating a huge ruckus with one wanting to shut the door and one wanting it to be left open. Natalie yelled and cried, Jared simply continued pushing with all his might.

I told him very nicely (in the beginning) to stop his act but it fell on deaf ears. Then it got to a moment when Natalie almost fell off that I really raised my voice and shouted at him.

"WILL YOU CUT IT OUT AND STOP PLAYING WITH THE DOOR???!?!?!?"

He simply stopped and pursed his lips as he so often like to do these days (looks really horrible by the way).

"I'VE TOLD YOU SO MANY TIMES NOT TO PLAY WITH THE DOOR. AND NATALIE IS THERE. DO YOU WANT HER FINGERS TO GET CAUGHT???"

I then pulled/yanked him away from the door rather forcefully and sat him on the mattress. By then, after shouting, I kinda cooled down slightly and told him that I had no wish to shout at him and that I did not understand why he simply did not want to listen to my instructions.

All this while when I spoke to him, his back was facing me. So I turned him round and saw that his eyes were red and that he was trying his best to hold back his tears and he was starting to sniffle. I then put him on my lap and told him that I had no wish to shout at him at all. I also explained why I shouted at him, why he shouldn't keep pushing the door against Natalie. And while I was explaining to him, I was tearing and when I finished with my explanation and told him to hug, he turned around, buried his face in my chest then started bawling.

I can't describe how I felt then. It was a mixture of guilt, sadness and anger all rolled into one.

He is only three this year. How sensible was I expecting him to be? And I'm not sure if it's the hormones or something but I get short with him so easily. I snapped at him when all he wanted to do was to come close and kiss his baby sister, I scolded him when all he wanted was for me to carry him because I've not been able to do so for the longest time.

It is at times like this I wish I had just one child. Then, I'd be able to devote all my time to him and not subject him to divided attention so soon. This is not to say I don't love the girls and regret having them... Things just happened too quickly, too soon...

He is starting to be able to display his unhappiness by sulking and moving away to a corner now. The only good thing is, he tends to forget it quickly enough and I always make it a point to explain to him why I reacted the way I did. We also don't leave the unhappiness lurking around so after I calm down and he does too, we'll hug and kiss.

I've so much to learn as a parent and much to pray for later: patience, more love and to be more level-headed.