A heartbreaking moment...

There will be no pictures for this post.

Of late, Jared has been rather trying yet at the same time, somewhat sensible. And because of this weird phase that he is going through, it puts a toll on his caregivers as well. Namely, me, GG and my mum.

We were leaving my mum's place for my home just now and Jared didn't want us to go. I opened the bedroom door and came out, Natalie followed suit and Jared was in the room still but wanted to close the door. Upon seeing that Jared wanted to close the door, Natalie retaliated and pushed it back. She was naturally not strong enough and Jared insisted on pushing the door and shutting it. So there they were, creating a huge ruckus with one wanting to shut the door and one wanting it to be left open. Natalie yelled and cried, Jared simply continued pushing with all his might.

I told him very nicely (in the beginning) to stop his act but it fell on deaf ears. Then it got to a moment when Natalie almost fell off that I really raised my voice and shouted at him.

"WILL YOU CUT IT OUT AND STOP PLAYING WITH THE DOOR???!?!?!?"

He simply stopped and pursed his lips as he so often like to do these days (looks really horrible by the way).

"I'VE TOLD YOU SO MANY TIMES NOT TO PLAY WITH THE DOOR. AND NATALIE IS THERE. DO YOU WANT HER FINGERS TO GET CAUGHT???"

I then pulled/yanked him away from the door rather forcefully and sat him on the mattress. By then, after shouting, I kinda cooled down slightly and told him that I had no wish to shout at him and that I did not understand why he simply did not want to listen to my instructions.

All this while when I spoke to him, his back was facing me. So I turned him round and saw that his eyes were red and that he was trying his best to hold back his tears and he was starting to sniffle. I then put him on my lap and told him that I had no wish to shout at him at all. I also explained why I shouted at him, why he shouldn't keep pushing the door against Natalie. And while I was explaining to him, I was tearing and when I finished with my explanation and told him to hug, he turned around, buried his face in my chest then started bawling.

I can't describe how I felt then. It was a mixture of guilt, sadness and anger all rolled into one.

He is only three this year. How sensible was I expecting him to be? And I'm not sure if it's the hormones or something but I get short with him so easily. I snapped at him when all he wanted to do was to come close and kiss his baby sister, I scolded him when all he wanted was for me to carry him because I've not been able to do so for the longest time.

It is at times like this I wish I had just one child. Then, I'd be able to devote all my time to him and not subject him to divided attention so soon. This is not to say I don't love the girls and regret having them... Things just happened too quickly, too soon...

He is starting to be able to display his unhappiness by sulking and moving away to a corner now. The only good thing is, he tends to forget it quickly enough and I always make it a point to explain to him why I reacted the way I did. We also don't leave the unhappiness lurking around so after I calm down and he does too, we'll hug and kiss.

I've so much to learn as a parent and much to pray for later: patience, more love and to be more level-headed.

Sept '08 Mums and Babes Gathering

Recently, I brought Cadence to attend a gathering to meet the rest of the babies her age group. Initially, I was a bit apprehensive about going since she shouldn't be exposed to crowds because she has not taken her jabs yet, plus, I'd have to travel to Bishan with her myself since GG was at work. After much contemplation, I decided to go anyway since I do so wanna meet the rest of the mummies and put a face to the nicks.

The gathering was scheduled for 1-ish and I kinda planned to wake early enough (at about 11), so that I can bring Cadence over to my mum's and bathe her there and prepare everything before leaving the house at about 12 plus to either take a cab or mrt (was really gearing towards the former). However, on that day itself, I woke up at 1.30pm!! I quickly fed Cadence, packed, changed and was gonna rush out when GG phoned to ask me where I was! Thank goodness for his phone call. Well, in the end, he came home and joined us in the gathering. So that saved me much agony of carrying Cadence and her bag of stuff.

Some pictures we took at the gathering.

The babies and mummies were all labelled for easy identification. Clever ya??

The mummies told me that Cadence doesn't look that small for a preemie. I must say I was initially worried that she'd be like the tiniest there despite being one of the oldest. She slept throughout the whole gathering and didn't wake up once despite some of the babies wailing away. She must be well-trained by Jared and Natalie at home!

That's all of us at the gathering. I wonder when we can all meet again. Perhaps when the babies can flip?

Cadence's pretty booties!

My friend Betsy learnt about me giving birth to Cadence and knitted a pair of booties herself and gave it to Cadence. It's the prettiest pair of booties I've seen so far. So, I think the whole cam-whoring thing and took pictures of put it up here.

That's the name of her shop. Cute name right?

Here's her shop's email address and telephone number. Betsy, are you reading this? Free advertisement for you!! :)

For a bigger and better view. If you find this familiar, it's because she was featured in Sunday Times' Lifestyle a couple of months back.

Sooooooooo pretty isn't it??? Love love love!

Tried it on her last night, but it didn't seem to fit her very well. Think it's not tight that's why it fell off. Still! It's very pretty. Maybe I'll make Cadence wear socks first before putting on the booties. :)

Natalie's pretend play

Boys and girls are just different and you can so tell it even at this tender age. I mean, Natalie has an older brother and though she does play with his trains and cars at times, her favourite play thing is still pretending to make milk to feed her elmo/cookie monster soft toy. How very cute!

So recently she's taken to using this large elmo hankie to wrap her cookie monster. Her hankie is rather multi-purpose. Depending on what she'd like to do, it can become (1) a bib (2) a cloth diaper (3) a hankie for cleaning mouth and (4) a blankie. She's rather creative isn't she?

Just the other day, I had my camera with me and managed to take some pictures of her changing cookie monster's 'soiled' diaper. Forgive me for the lousy shots coz whenever she noticed me with the camera, she'd dash to my side and insist on looking at herself in the LCD screen on the camera...

Lifting cookie monster's feet up like how I lift up Cadence's feet when I change her diaper.

Errr... a rather good attempt. I think she changed her mind halfway and decided that the hankie was a blankie instead.

That's her trying again.

Ok! Done! And up comes cookie monster.

Motorshow outing @ Suntec

I know it's way overdue... But better late than never right??

Immediately after my confinement and Singapore's very first night time F1 race, we went to Suntec for the motorshow that GG so wanted to bring Jared for. I've seriously never seen Suntec that quiet before. Anyway, all the better for us.

I look like a beach whale, Natalie's all grouchy and Jared's plain wacky.

Natalie really doesn't smile much...

Like so loving hor???

Jared got all excited when he saw the miniature racing cars. BOYS!!!

Contemplating which design to get once GG gave him the go-ahead to buy one.


Yellow it shall be!

They were blasting music and girls were dancing on the platform. This Natalie, upon hearing music, started dancing away! Didn't manage to take any videos of it but I snapped one really cute picture of her though.

Getting ready to dance awaaaay!

So cute isn't she?? Cheeky look!

Jared joining in to dance.

GG scrutinising the wax on the car then deciding that he can do a better job himself.

Natalie got rather restless and tired...

Singapore's first female F1 racer perhaps?

We went to Kenny Rogers to have dinner afterwards and met into some friends. Was so nice to go out and have fun after being confined in the house. NO MORE CONFINEMENT for me anymore! YAHOOOO!!!!

Tired...

Sometimes I am just soooo tied down.

For the longest time, I haven't really had any me time. I've a long overdue pedicure that I don't know when I can go for, a much desired full body massage I so wanted since my second trimester, a good haircut coz my hair's so long it's sweeping my butt when I take a dump... The list goes on.

I seriously wonder when I'll get my turn to do all of that.

I do so wanna look nice and pretty on my birthday next week.

Cute!

My current favourite picture of the two of them!

WHY?

Yesterday when I was preparing to bring Jared out, he asked for me to carry him. So I told him plainly that I couldn't carry him because it'll hurt my tummy. To which he said, "Is it because you cut open your tummy for Cadence to come out?"

Woah! That was unexpected. I said to him, "Yes. That's why I'm still healing and I can't carry you."

Then came the inevitable 'WHY' questions that he is now soooooo fond of asking.

Jared: "Why pain ah?"
Me: "Err, coz they cut me open with a knife?"
Jared: "Why cut with a knife?"
Me: "For Cadence to come out?"
Jared: "Why she wanna come out?"
Me: "BECAUSE SHE CANNOT STAY INSIDE FOREVER?"

And I distracted him with sweets to stop him asking for the time being... Oh, please don't say I'm a bad mummy for offering sweets to get a temporary respite from his incessant questioning!

When we were at the petrol station the other night and he was whining to follow GG out of the car, I had to tell him it's smelly outside, that's why we had to stay in. That opened up more reasons for him to ask questions.

Jared: "Why must stay in the car?"
Me: "Because it's so smelly outside."
Jared: "Why smelly ah?"
Me: "Because of the petrol smell."
Jared: "Why is petrol smelly?"
Me: "Because there is a chemical in it that makes it smelly."
Jared: "Why is the chemical smelly?"
Me: "You wanna eat my new sweet?"

ARRRRRGH!!!!!! I simply can't answer all his 'why' questions!!!!!

'Homework'

Confinement was boring. Thankfully the kids kept me quite occupied and also I had GG's camera to play around with.

Took pictures of Jared when he came over with my mum.

I didn't want him to spend his time doing frivolous things so I told him to do 'homework', to which GG chided me and said 'homework' is so off-putting - I should term it 'activity' instead. OK!! So I engaged him in some 'activity'.

This was what he did.

He followed the dots and drew the curves himself. The initial curves were done sooo nicely. Then it just got worse... Anyway, I was quite impressed already. It was his first attempt afterall.

He also tried drawing the circles but they were really off!

Jared dancing away.

Going home shot.

More of Cadence

On the day I was to be discharged, I broke down and cried so badly in the hospital because I couldn't leave with Cadence who was still in NICU. In all, she stayed 9 days in intensive care.

But her stay in the hospital also meant I needn't be cooped up in the house! Thankfully it was the one week school break so I had GG to fetch me to and from hospital. So after going to the hospital to deliver my milk and to breastfeed her there, I'd go jalan jalan with Cadence and ate outside food. SHIOK!

Cadence without the help of oxygen on the second day.

Cadence and I. This is in the room where mummies like me could breastfeed the babies. When I learnt that I could finally carry her, I was overwhelmed with indescribable emotions. Strange huh? I had to breastfeed her and made sure that she was able to latch properly in order for her to be discharged. Of all three kids, she's the one who could latch the best! I absolutely did not feel any pain at all. Maybe it's because she mouth is real small.

GG and Cadence. This was also the first time he carried her.

Her stay in the hospital bought us some time to prepare the house for her. After we brought her home, it was still quite easy for us coz she slept a lot. So since I had time at home, I took pictures of her.

This is Cadence when she was about 3 weeks old... I think. Can't remember now.

Her favourite pose. I read in a book that says when they pout their mouth into an 'O' shape, it means they are surprised! Not sure about what though...

She's struggling to stay awake after her bath.

Cannot fight the ZzzZz monster any longerrrr.

Jared loves Cadence very much and wants to kiss her all the time. At least he knows that he has to be gentle, unlike Natalie.

Jared carrying Cadence for the first time. He was thrilled. We were not.

Can see Jared's eyelashes?? Sooooo long hor?

This was taken last week. So she was 5 weeks old.

"Excuse me daddy, please remember NOT to use the flash on me!"

FRUSTRATION!!

I absolutely can't stand this blogspot!!! The paragraphing never comes out right no matter how many times I edit this! Can anyone tell me what I am doing wrong??????

And then there was the birth story...

I believe I truly am THE PROCRASTINATOR.

But...

I do have a VERY VERY GOOD excuse.

My stupid Acer laptop keeps shutting down on me. I'd be using it halfway and the screen would go black. How irritating can it be?? Anyway, I've now resorted to using GG's laptop. That is, until I get my new one!

So... the birth story.

It was pretty dramatic considering that I had two relatively easy pregnancies.

On 27 August, Wednesday, my parents and the kids came to visit as usual. And it was on that day that Jared made the 'prediction' of Cadence's birth weight. So while I was happily chatting away with the kids, Dr Sim came by for my routine checkup. I think it was about 3.30pm.

So there I was on the bed, telling her about how Cadence was moving quite a lot and such. She put her hands on my tummy, felt around and said 'I think we cannot wait much longer. I may have to deliver you in the next 48 hours.' OK... I can do that. At least I was prepared. Then... she put her hands on my tummy again, pressed it around, looked at the CTG result and said 'No, I think I'll have to deliver you later.'

What???!?!?!

I wasn't prepared the least. I mean, I hadn't even thought of a Chinese name for Cadence yet!!!

I honestly was very very ill-prepared because for the previous two births, what I did was to select a date, then pack my bags prior and on the day itself, stroll into the hospital and wait around to have the operation. And there I was, in total shock from hearing that I had to go for the operation in 2 hours time!

My reply to Dr Sim's words was only 'Orh'.

After regaining some composure, I tried again.

Here's a simple transcript of our short conversation:

Me: We can't like wait until next week?

Dr: I don't want to be unable to give you a baby.

Me: Orh... (in more shock)

Just before she left, she told the nurse to go and book a slot for the OT and the earliest available was 5.30pm... So that left me like 2 hours to be prepared.

After Dr Sim left, my parents came back in and they were as shocked that I had to deliver on the day itself. But my parents were rather worried about my complication since Dr Sim told them I could DIE, so they were like better that I deliver soon.

The next thing was to contact GG.

I called him on his mobile but I wasn't really expecting him to pick up coz I knew he was in a class. And I didn't know the number to his school... The best I could do then was to leave him a message 'URGENT. PLEASE COME HOSPITAL ASAP'.

Strangely though... I picked up my mobile and got connected to the MSN so that I could inform my MSN kakis!

So after breaking the shocking news to them, they were rather frantic as well. Then asked if I had managed to contact GG. To which I really hadn't been able to. So Kei asked me which school he was in, and she googled his school on the web, then called his school for me!!!

Kei said when she called the school, she told the receptionist that Gregory Goh's wife was in labour and told her to inform him ASAP. The ever helpful receptionist in school then made a Public Announcement over the school's PA system and told GG to go to the General Office immediately.

Thankfully I kinda warned him beforehand to expect the unexpected so while having lesson halfway and upon hearing the message, he quickly went to his mobile phone and saw the missed call from me and the URGENT message I sent him. He told his students he had to go off, packed, went to the GO then called me back.

By the time I managed to speak to GG, it was already about 4.10pm. He asked me if he should come to the hospital right away or go home first. Luckily he mentioned it coz I wouldn't wanna miss recording Cadence's birth or not be able to take any videos or photos of her. So I told him to go back home to pack the essential digital stuff and also my nursing tops and disposable underwear.

On his way home, he messaged me and asked what I thought of the name 'Kai Xuan'. I must say that initially, I didn't think much of it. It was only after I delivered then I started to think that 'Kai xuan' is such a meaningful and apt name for Cadence. Coz after her discharge from home, we can celebrate 'Kai xuan gui lai'! (A triumphant victory/return). Befitting right??? He was smart to think of the name. But I hardly think he knew the meaning.

So anyway, I was to be pushed into the OT by 5pm and by 4.45pm, there was still no signs of GG. He only reached at 4.50pm. At least there was some time to spare.

Shortly after I changed and showered, I had to go into the OT. While being pushed to the OT, I once again (as did previous times) cried and told GG to say a little prayer for me and Cadence. I think he wanted to console me and allay my fears. But it kinda turned out sounding wrong...

Me: I'm so scared. *sniff sniff*

GG: Aiyah, nothing to be scared lah. Third time already.

Me: *rolled eyes*

YA!!! I KNOW IT'S THE THIRD TIME! Precisely why I'm so darn frightened coz I know of the pain that's coming MY way!!! NOT HIS!!!

Anyway, he probably was just as nervous so I didn't make a fuss of that.

In the OT, operation didn't start promptly coz Dr Sim did not want to proceed until Cadence's PD was there (Dr Kumar from KinderClinic: he's the PD for all three kids).

Once I was given the anaesthetic, I was knocked out and Cadence was born at 1808hrs.

GG told me he didn't wait long this time. The only difference is this time round, he wasn't able to hold Cadence in his arms immediately coz she was put in this breather thing to help her breathe. But he did say that she was wailing pretty loud and clear. Shortly after he saw her, she was brought away to NICU. At least he was there to accompany her.

That's ugly me! Texting away informing friends about me going away for op.

Cadence crying away after she was delivered.

She couldn't even be cleaned up of all that goo and had to be put in the case so that oxygen can be given to her. The tube in her nose stayed there for about 10 days before it was removed. It goes all the way into her stomach and in the initial days of her birth, she was tube fed.

Finally quiet after the bout of crying.

After I was awake from surgery, I couldn't see or hold Cadence in my arms coz she was in NICU and I was on the drip and catheter. I only saw her on day 2. And even then, I could only touch her coz she was hooked up to all those things on the machine. Quite a painful sight and the worst thing was to see that she had needles in her tiny hand...

That's me post surgery and the first time I touched her. Couldn't carry her though. Tiny isn't she?